Myra is one month old

One month old (yesterday). 

Nursing has ebbed away from that space of pain and frustration and now offers glimmers of refuge from the noise and fast pace in life. I feel the peace and presence it offers in moments. And realistically in other moments I just scroll the social and fill up online shipping carts I’ll never check out with.

Her smell. It feels so primal but I crave that smell and ache to have her in my arms after long naps or visitors. And realistically I couldn’t care less about that smell past 8 pm as my anxiety for the night hightens and we continue this 3-4 hour dance of trying to get baby to sleep. Some nights I can take it in stride and others it takes me to tears. Some nights I feel suffocated and broken while others I show up empowered and snuggly. Consistently I feel powerless in choosing how I show up. It makes me feel ashamed. Deep breaths. This is a short season. This is a short season. This is a short season…

I love the way she coos and calls to communicate. I wonder when her shrieking newborn cry will soften into a baby’s. I love her moments of social awareness and hope she holds onto the preference of snuggling chest to chest long past the sleepy newborn phase. 

Myra is threatening to give up the bink and the suspense is tense for us all. Damon and I had hoped this surprise baby would be our easiest, mayhaps an offering from the universe to help soften her unexpected arrival.  We most definitely did not want another experience of baby with tummy issues. I eliminated dairy from my diet in hope and anticipation we could evade the discomfort. While Myra is the sweetest newborn , she is also most uncomfortable and difficult. A bummer for us all.  

The big kids all adore her and are so tender with her.  Indie loves to hold her and walk her around the house, softly telling her about the surroundings. Stella loves to hold her and nuzzle their heads together in endless rubbing.  Finn is a bit more hesitant to hold baby, but when he does he won't let go until she cries.  He proudly declares: 'I'm a big brother!' and he laments often about how adorable Myra is. Not cute, not sweet. but adorable. That particular word is important to Finn. 

Moments: