Finn is Six

Finn ran far and fast screaming, then stood incredibly still 

                                                                                             to feel 

                                                                                                                      his heart 

                                                                                                                                     beating...

I could describe him no better. 

He watched the ocean waves hit the rock cliffs then declared it his favorite part.

He takes notice of everything, and that is beautiful, 

and OVERWHELING.  

                                                            The smells, 

                 the colors, 

                                              the tones, 

                                                                                              the noise,

                                                      the feelings, 

they are all heightened in him. 

He bursts into the air, into his muscles, into his lungs, demanding whatever experience is inside, to get out.  Pleading to be soothed in the only way his dysregulation knows to communicate: 

crying 

thrashing 

screaming. 

"DON'T TALK TO ME"

"DON'T LOOK AT ME"

His little body, with deep feelings crashing over him several times a day. We oscillate between tips toes and CPR, pouring out time and space to find how to best help him cope with the depths of his feelings.  

I forget sometimes how small he is. 

How small his hands

He sifted sand through his hands and told me, as he watched it fall back to the ground, how it made him think of the stars in the sky. How endless.  He wondered about God. 

On nature walks he counts to 100 and tells me about Kindergarten, his love of Mrs. Stewart and hope that he is missed when he's away.

He calls Stella "my dearest" and brings her water and his heart every chance he gets. She is a person he cares most deeply about and though they often provoking each other into despair, he seeks in her a validation and love unlike anyone else in our family. 

He builds high walls of  hyper repetitiveness to protect himself from feeling shame and rejection. If he is silly enough and loud enough, maybe he wont feel it.  

He wants to be loved, deepest of all.  

Accepted

celebrated 

significant

And he is. But he still searches and spirals out of this yearning. I see myself in him    

Do you?

He creates with chalk for hours and wonders if he might prefer to be an artist when he grows up rather than an astronaut. 

"I know I know," he cuts me off "I already am an artist."

He started gymnastics, wrestling and behavioral therapy and loved them all. (I made us quit behavioral therapy after a few sessions.)  

I forget how many seizures he had this year. It wasn't more than three and it wasn't less than one. His body sprinkled in a new flavor of difficult-to-define "seizure-like" activity, that we are keeping an eye on. 

Finn is the repeated phase:

MAMA COMMA!

but Mom, I LOVE ya

but Dad, I LOVE ya

and so it only makes sense to end this note with a 

but Finn, I LOVE ya

You wildly clever, unique deep, beautiful six year old boy. 

Thank you for the nature walks, the shared thoughts and bits of nature, for taking my hand and showing me pockets of light, for your tenderness and you strength.  You are incredibly unique and incredibly loved. 

Mom

p.s. 

I never want to forget the Sunday Dad and I had taken Myra out on a bike ride, leaving you big three at home. 

You called me frantic, boarding on tears, "Something really weird is going on and I'm scared..." pleading with me to hurry home.  

Your urgency was contagious and I pressed what was going on. 

You replied: "the yogurt lids, in the fridge. They're Red!"  

To your credit, the yogurt lids of that brand had always been blue.  The company switched their packaging and you (and Stella who I could hear quietly sobbing in the background) discovered them and were frantic. I'm still not sure what exactly you thought the color change meant, but I had a hard time not laughing as I reassured you everything was okay and we'd be home soon. 

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