Stella is Nine

Stella, our girl

deep girl.    

wolf girl.  

you were not made 

to keep caged

all that is inside of you

 -wild girl

Stella at nine your emotions flow out as storms, intense chaos for a moment, brewing, looming, explosive and then calm. 

It's fitting that you have such an interest in natural disasters.  You love documentaries, stories of human survival against the power of Mother Nature. 

Like drawn to like. 

At nine you have been catapulted into the beginning of puberty.  With it has come a new wilderness. You thrash against the discomfort of your own depth, daily. 

We have sat, 

laid, 

held,

cried,

with you.

To help witness how in your own body, the chaos will end. 

That calm will restore.  

I tell you, after you storm, how these feelings are an extensions of a beautiful part of you. 

You spit back that you hate them. 

That you wish they would go away. 

Oh honey. 

It makes sense. 

It make sense to not like uncomfortable feelings. You don't have to like it. You don't have to believe me. I can hold it for both of us. 

I can hold for you the truth that your depth is a beautiful gift, not only for your life but for all of us around you. I will know it for both of us and tell you often, 

-until you are ready.

You care for the world with an intuition and joy that leaves me in awe. You are quick to notice others.  You uplift. You have this ability to weave joy and connection easily. You ask deep questions and notice so much.  You are deeply interested in the human experience. 

You'd rather not clean up. Ever. Every sign of life trails behind you. You are a master at play, and a master at finding a way to do the least amount of clean up possible. You convince Finn often to do your chores, we've had to step in and limit his generosity. 

Stella you would rather stay at home.  Unless there is a friend to wander the neighborhood with.  You'd rather be loud in your joy, and discomfort. Unless a stranger is present then you'd rather be quiet.  

You'd rather wear your coat at school. Afraid to be seen. You attempt to cover up. When you feel home, you'd rather not wear clothes, unafraid to be exposed when you feel safe. 

You are mourning Indie growing up and leaving girlhood behind. Sometimes you think it means she is leaving you behind, and that hurts.

You are putting on new labels and identities and trying to figure out who you are. You notice that smiling on command does not come easily to you. You worry that means something is wrong with you, because on the inside you feel happy. Why doesn't your inside translate outside, you wonder. It's a tender spot when people comment on your sweet somber face. (I remember being the same as a girl)

You've noticed how overwhelming other people can be and decided it means you aren't a "people person". I vehemently disagreed. You are so gifted at caring and connecting with other people, the flip side of that is the overwhelm that comes from being so attuned. I think that is what you are navigating the weight of.

Each of your siblings wants your attention and companionship. Indies loves to share her books and stories with you. We hear you giggling and talking late into the night.

You and Finn play hard and then fight explosively. You love to adventure and play pretend together.  You do best outside with the whole space of the world to help support the coming together of both of your, and Finn's, big emotions. 

Myra wants your constant attention as you play so well with her.  You find her and Finn's constant desire for your attention difficult at times. 

 You are happiest in water.  You are always looking for a hug or a cuddle. You are obsessed with wolfs, and saved your money to help conserve and track one in the wild. You love meat and cheese sandwiches and mandarin oranges. and when asked what you wanted to remember about this time you struggled to think of anything except for how mom and dad make you happy and you are afraid your family might die. 

Sweetie girl. We love you.  

Happy nine years!

Nine years of Stella: