Mortified Nation inspired journal plunge

          I'm a little bit obsessed with Netflix. Let's be honest, most of the time I just watch Office over and over and over. Obsession all around! 

        A few nights ago though, I decided to break the cycle and watched a show called Mortified Nation. It's a documentary type film, about adults who share their most embarrassing, private childhood diary entries in front of a paying audience. It's highly entertaining and in a way uniting. I could relate to a lot of the silly emotions and embarrassment. At the end of the show I really just wanted to dig out my own journals and laugh at my younger self. So I did.

          But instead of laughing at myself I was really just sad.  I didn't write anything personal in my own journals. Almost every entry I wrote included a scripture that I had liked, my thoughts on said scripture, my experience with prayer, commenting on where I thought my relationship with God was at and almost always ending the entry with how I sucked as a person. I didn't measure up, I was worthless and I would never be. It was just depressing. Because you could just feel the desire, and sadness. The desire to feel successful and like a good person and the always inevitable short coming. 

         I was so obsessed with religion and improving myself. Don't get me wrong. Religion is great and trying to better yourself is awesome.  This was different though. As a 12-15 year old, religion and how many 'faults' I had was all I focused on.  I felt like if I spent a day with friends laughing and playing that I had somehow failed God, because I didn't feel 'spiritual' while hanging out with friends. I thought that made me a bad person.  If I didn't feel like I was having a spiritual experience at all points in the day that I was failing. If my activity wasn't focused on my religion, then I was being sinful. I just wanted to give that kid a hug and tell her, knock it off. You are good enough. BE A KID. 

         There were a handful of entries where, I guess in a moment of weakness, I spoke my mind and my true feelings.  Feelings of having a crush on a boy, or being frustration at dysfunctional family dynamics, or anger towards my parents... but anytime I let that slip I would quickly follow it up with a 'but I am weak and prideful and don't understand so I shouldn't have said any of that...' apologizing for having feelings.

Here are a few entries that actually reflected my thoughts:

          

February 2, 2007

       ...I just seem so unimportant and lost. I don't think I'm a very good person either. I don't know why others like me. I NEED TO IMPROVE! 

March 4th, 2007

           Wow, I seem to be struggling. It's so hard for me to step up being a better mother figure in the boys life. I try so hard, and by golly I'll keep trying till the end. Ill just take each day at a time.... 

April 11, 2007 

          Remember that if Jayden or Brennan fail to do a chore, do not speak unkindly towards them, but convey that I am disappointed and know they can do better then do the chores myself.... 

April 14th, 2007

           ...I never know if what I say is getting through to Jayden and Brennan. they are good boys though. 

July 19, 2007

       ...It's hard to see mom  go through so much but it's almost harder not being able to help her. For the past two days I have set my alarm so that I might wake up when mom does and ask to have family prayers. Then she would have an extra help in her usual dreary days. 

October 29, 2007

         Mom is getting married. The when is still unknown but it is certain...I suppose the best I can do is trust in the Lord. He will not abandon me. I feel sick and so sad right now, and seriously it had just not occur to me how silly it is for me to be so upset about such matters for I am only 16. 

DECEMBER 1ST 2007

        I wonder why I have such a hard time liking Tim. I know it would make a lot of people happier, and it probably would make me happier as well. I just need to stop being prideful and trust in the lord. 

September 3 2008

        So much has happened. I spent the summer with Grandma and grandpa, which pretty much means I was on my own for three months with no one checking in on me and free to do anything I wanted. It was great! Possibly the best and worst summer of my life. 

        Almost all of my blog posts are more for me than they are for anyone else. This one especially. Re reading my journals caused A LOT of different emotions. Sadness, anger,  annoyance, embarrassment,  shame, happiness... I learned some really great things from going through one of my journals. One HUGE reminder. I am worth it. I need to give myself a break and not be so hard on myself.  Two, don't take myself so seriously all the time. Write and bask in the silly things. And lastly, religion. Cool it. It's okay to be silly and have fun. It doesn't mean you're being bad!

     The whole experience felt liberating. ummm the end!