Stella's 4 Year Update

Welcome to four. If I could take a snapshot and preserve Stella right now it would be in soft but strong body movements in nothing but underwear.  Cute little bum, toes cold and rosy cheeked but happy. Innocent and indulging in nothing more than what her heart desires.

It would be in the echos of pleading for snacks two minuets after lunch had ended, or asking when dinner might come, the second I've cleared her dinner plate.  

It would show a baby blanket so loved that the chosen Corner has begun to fade. And split screened search parties deployed in a habitual nightly ritual of being forgotten in strange places. 

It would be a hand, still round with babyhood, laid on anyone who felt pain or discomfort. Hoping to heal and give peace, feeling deeply with others

It would catch a shadow cast by hoppy thumpy steps faithfully chasing Indie around.  Pleading for just one more bit of sister 'special' time.

It would be in puppy whimpers, announcing her growing anxiety of separation.  Polaroids of her little steps quietly following her chosen companion from room to room with all of her toys and imagination. Never alone by choice, never alone by our hand. Her heart too tender to bear it.

It would be in giggles and cries, searching for comfort in every activity she touched.  Feeling and feeling and feeling so much. 

It would be arms outstretched tippiest of toes asking for you to be her legs. On repeat when met by stairs or any movement that was not wrapped up in wonder and imagination. 

It would be in breaths quick to succumb to grumbles and complaining as they exhaled, yet dripping in sincere and grateful inhales.  Indulging in every corner of emotion and letting it radiate from her.

It would catch a motion always slow to start but growing in unfailing strength as it gained its footing. 

It would be messy finger prints sprawled all over her clothing, absently wiping. It would be a sweet sheepish smile chirping 'Oh, sorry. I forgot,' followed by timid giggles when I hand her a napkin or remind her to mind her wandering finger smudges. Smudges that adorned every wall and corner.  Toilets unflushed, lights left dulling, chairs abandoned and sliding glass doors gaping. 

It would shine on late night book readings in bed.  Staying up well past to read one more story.  Her flashlight resting against her pillow and head to shine over her shoulder on pictures. 

It would be loud and collapsing into despair as the slightest worry grew inside of her.  It would be her in my lap, calming her worries and speaking to her heart.  Urging her to breath with my breath.  Helping her recognize the movement in her own belly, the tickle of air in her nose to help calm anxieties so big that her sweet body can barely contain them. 

It would be in reflection of this work I would hear her exaggerated deep breathing interrupt shrieks of displeasure; as she realizes her own spiraling.  Always tipped by Finn, or being cold after a bath.

It would be in an arms crossed declaration that 'I hate kisses,' only to run up and shower you in a million little kisses and face nuzzles.  

It would be in loud snores, indulging in sleep as she does in life; easily and freely. Her solid little body could be moved and moved and moved again without stirring.  

Would you be able to hear the deep satisfaction I hear ringing through her body as she sees others finding joy and smiles through her presence.  Would you see the silly and playful? She plays so beautifully.  Eyes shinning, heart singing.

It would spill with collections of the outdoors she'd stuffed lovingly into her pockets.  Bugs somehow always finding their way to her path.  Her love of gathering beauty . 

It would be sweet and simple and pink with a reverence for playing kitties with Finn.  

Stella is the depth of all sweetness and love at the edge of sorrow and mourning.  She holds space for every feeling and swirls us all up in her hurricane of joy and break.  She moves our family to higher highs and deeper bonding.  We love this girl. 

 I hope that looking back at these snap shots we will be able to sit together and remember the good and the hard and that through it all we continued to try and open our hearts to each other.  Sweet girl you will do great things, simply because you are great.  We love you Lella. 

Welcome to four.