Pre-mother Jitters
Change is hard. Even good change. As my due date gets closer the reality of change (and lots of it) is starting to sink in. I went into work today and set a final last day. Aug 1st. For those of you who don't know I love lists, making plans, and calendars. So, it wasn't long before I had figured out that meant only 30 more work days for me.
I'm super anxious at the prospect of being at home so much. I am not a home body. I love having plans, staying busy, being with people (well...most of the time,) and especially having adventures! I get depressed if I stay home more than two days in a row.
Another thing about me, I hate not knowing how things will be. If they turn out good, awesome. If they end up being rough, that's okay. I can work at it and get better or make things better. The bit before the change drives me crazy. Just sitting still and waiting, not being able to move forward. That's really hard.
I know having a baby will be a new adventure, but it will be a big change. Probably my biggest worry about becoming a family of 3 is that I won't feel close to, or like, my daughter. I want so badly to have a close family and real strong relationships to my children. I want to be genuine. This worry has been the source of lots of tears (on my part) and talks between Damon and I. Growing up we didn't get many hugs or kisses, or do much as a family. I don't think I'm a cold person, but I still freeze up sometimes when someone wants to hug me (unless it's Damon.) I've also realized that in our relationship Damon is constantly showering me with hugs and kisses and physical affection. I love it, but I forget to reciprocate sometimes. I'm trying to work on it, I don't want him to feel like he isn't loved because I forget to love on him. I don't want my children to ever feel like its a strange thing that I hug them or kiss them.
I'm terrified I will have this baby and won't feel that motherly bond everyone talks about. It's hard to wrap my head around the fact that the kicks and jabs in my stomach are a human being. One that Damon and I are 100% responsible for. There are so many things to teach her and experience with her. I'm worried I'm too selfish to be a good mother.
I don't know what I would do without Damon...probably wouldn't be pregnant in the first place...No, but really. I know he is going to be an amazing father. He is already so easy going, patient and kids always love him. I feel calmer knowing that he will be the father of our children and that he'll be there to help me be a stronger mother.
It's hard just waiting for all the change to hit, sometimes I wish it would come quicker. So instead of wondering what it'll be like, I can work through the problems if they are there. I am so excited to see what she will look like. To see her get bigger and start getting personality. I'm excited to dress her up and hold her close. I'm excited to see Damon hold her. To see him become a father and watch their relationship. Then sometimes, I wish I could hit pause on this whole thing. Give myself more time to work on myself.
We still don't have a name picked out. We've bounced around a thousands and always come back to the same ones. Never decide on any though. We're ultimately going to wait until she's born to decide what to name her. Indie Alexis Hadfield is our number one contender with Zoey, Shea, Cadence, Scottie, Kendall, Sailor, Olive and Colbie still floating around. Maybe we'll just give her ALL the middle names, that way if we change our minds, we can just call her by second, or third middle name. haha!
Ultimately, I am very excited and a little less than very nervous to be a mom! Two more months til she's ready to meet us. Hope we have everything ready by then to meet her! I had a blessing once from Damon that made me smile. He said something to the effect that Heavenly Father was sending us this daughter, and that she would be a blessing to our little family. When I focus on this and on the love Damon and I have for each other and the gospel It becomes a lot harder to be anything but calm, peaceful, and really joyful at the prospect of our first baby.
I'm super anxious at the prospect of being at home so much. I am not a home body. I love having plans, staying busy, being with people (well...most of the time,) and especially having adventures! I get depressed if I stay home more than two days in a row.
Another thing about me, I hate not knowing how things will be. If they turn out good, awesome. If they end up being rough, that's okay. I can work at it and get better or make things better. The bit before the change drives me crazy. Just sitting still and waiting, not being able to move forward. That's really hard.
I know having a baby will be a new adventure, but it will be a big change. Probably my biggest worry about becoming a family of 3 is that I won't feel close to, or like, my daughter. I want so badly to have a close family and real strong relationships to my children. I want to be genuine. This worry has been the source of lots of tears (on my part) and talks between Damon and I. Growing up we didn't get many hugs or kisses, or do much as a family. I don't think I'm a cold person, but I still freeze up sometimes when someone wants to hug me (unless it's Damon.) I've also realized that in our relationship Damon is constantly showering me with hugs and kisses and physical affection. I love it, but I forget to reciprocate sometimes. I'm trying to work on it, I don't want him to feel like he isn't loved because I forget to love on him. I don't want my children to ever feel like its a strange thing that I hug them or kiss them.
I'm terrified I will have this baby and won't feel that motherly bond everyone talks about. It's hard to wrap my head around the fact that the kicks and jabs in my stomach are a human being. One that Damon and I are 100% responsible for. There are so many things to teach her and experience with her. I'm worried I'm too selfish to be a good mother.
I don't know what I would do without Damon...probably wouldn't be pregnant in the first place...No, but really. I know he is going to be an amazing father. He is already so easy going, patient and kids always love him. I feel calmer knowing that he will be the father of our children and that he'll be there to help me be a stronger mother.
It's hard just waiting for all the change to hit, sometimes I wish it would come quicker. So instead of wondering what it'll be like, I can work through the problems if they are there. I am so excited to see what she will look like. To see her get bigger and start getting personality. I'm excited to dress her up and hold her close. I'm excited to see Damon hold her. To see him become a father and watch their relationship. Then sometimes, I wish I could hit pause on this whole thing. Give myself more time to work on myself.
We still don't have a name picked out. We've bounced around a thousands and always come back to the same ones. Never decide on any though. We're ultimately going to wait until she's born to decide what to name her. Indie Alexis Hadfield is our number one contender with Zoey, Shea, Cadence, Scottie, Kendall, Sailor, Olive and Colbie still floating around. Maybe we'll just give her ALL the middle names, that way if we change our minds, we can just call her by second, or third middle name. haha!
Ultimately, I am very excited and a little less than very nervous to be a mom! Two more months til she's ready to meet us. Hope we have everything ready by then to meet her! I had a blessing once from Damon that made me smile. He said something to the effect that Heavenly Father was sending us this daughter, and that she would be a blessing to our little family. When I focus on this and on the love Damon and I have for each other and the gospel It becomes a lot harder to be anything but calm, peaceful, and really joyful at the prospect of our first baby.
These are legitimate concerns, but you will do just fine. Everytime you have the impulse to hug her, DO it. Then it will become a habit and you won't hesitate. You will be a great Mom!
ReplyDeleteI love reading these :) I think just the way you're excited to see your daughter with Damon and write about her with such love already, you'll be a fantastic mom. I'm so excited for you! (Shout out from a faraway friend haha)
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